1. Consult with your children. What have they always wanted to have in the house? How would they like to change things? Brainstorm things that you can work together to change or create.

Six months after their mother moved out, Sam felt he and his kids were still living with a ghost in the house. To help restore a feeling of completeness, he sat down with his son and daughter and made a list of what made a house a home for them. The two children had always wanted a sand box in the back yard. Sam took them to the hardware store to get wood, nails, a plastic tarp and sand. Together they put together a new play area right outside the backdoor.

2. Set up family time to take care of the house together.
a. Tess’ husband used to take care of all the yard work. When he moved out, she instituted a weekly yard clean up with her children. Tess made cookies or baked banana bread to be eaten after the work was done, and then everyone worked together to clean the yard. Although the kids initially baulked at the new work, soon it became a family time. The kids learned to trade off jobs, work together and some of the events of the week became fodder for family jokes.

b. Whenever the kids visited, David’s place became a mess with kids toys, backpacks, and clothes strewn about. He started a clean-up time every evening for 10 minutes. His sons would pick out 3 favorite songs which David put on the stereo. While the songs played, the boys raced around the living room cleaning up as much as they could until the songs were over. It taught them that many hands make light work.

3. Redecorate or add something new to the house.
a. After her husband moved out, Janice took her daughters to the local nursery. Each picked out three plants—one for her own room, one for common areas of the house and one to plant outside. Having something to nurture helped the girls feel less of a loss in their house.

b. Dan’s new apartment had a swimming pool—something his son had not had regular access to before. He set up a special ‘swim closet’ in new place and let his son Eric decorate the walls with stickers, pictures of fish, and hooks in the shape of fish. Eric picked out a beach towel and several pool toys and stored it in the ‘swim closet’. Later the Eric told him this was the one place in Dan’s apartment that felt truly ‘his’.

Soution:

1. Give each child a journal. They can write good news, sad thoughts, lists of accomplishments or anything they like. Reassure them that the journal is for their eyes only.

2. Mark regularly got his boys together and gave them paper and pencil. Each would write down his angry feelings, sad reflections, and any other unhappy emotions. Once the slips of paper were filled, the children threw them into a pyrex dish, lit a match, and burned the bad feelings away.

3. Consider letting your child see a therapist. You can suggest he/she visit the therapist at least 2-3 times to get a sense for how therapy might be able to help. After that, they can choose whether to continue. Reassure them that many people (perhaps even yourself) find it helpful to have a trusted person to talk to at times like these. If money is an issue, many communities have clinics or therapists who offer counseling on a sliding scale based on need.

4. Let your children talk to a trusted religious advisor.

5. Ask a friend or relative to set up a regular confidential chat with your child. Cathy asked her sister Lisa to act as a confidente to her daughter Casey. Lisa would take Casey out for ice cream and go on walks with her. And everything they discussed was confidential. Cathy trusted her sister to have Casey’s best interests at heart, and it was easier for Casey to confiding in someone who was not her mother.

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Solution: Start new traditions that help you reconnect and enjoy one another.

* Erica changed the seating arrangements around her table so it didn’t feel like there was void where her former husband used to sit. Her 6 and 8 year old children each got a candle to light at the beginning of dinner and blow out at the end.

* Mark’s former wife used to be the one to lead dinnertime conversations. He started asking each child to choose a topic of discussion for the dinner table. If your children have trouble thinking of topics, consider making up a set of cards with conversational prompts “What is your favorite pet?” “Should children have to go to school?” that your children can choose from. You can also purchase a set of conversation starters at a game store: “Table Topics” and “Tabletalk Conversation Starters” are two examples.

* You can make meal time special by asking every child to ‘give a toast’ to a family member who did something nice that day. Or each family member can say one thing that was good about the day. Encouraging family members to remember their blessings and appreciate one another helps remind everyone of the value of family.

* Consider starting or adding to a tradition of saying ‘grace’. You can start with a moment of quiet as everyone clears his or her mind of the clutter of the day and focuses on time together. Then say ‘grace’ or something as simple as “We are grateful to have this time together.”

Solution: Help your children feel grounded by volunteering with them to give something back to your community. If you work together as family, these activities bring satisfaction, pride of accomplishment and build family connection. Some examples:

Idea 1: For Rita and her two daughters, the first Sunday of every month is Family Volunteer Day. The family spends two hours helping their community: raking leaves for a neighbor, picking up trash at their school, collecting things for the local food drive, etc. The girls alternate choosing how they are going to volunteer each time. They eagerly anticipate each activity and almost always get a thank you from a grateful recipient of their generoity.

Idea 2: Eric and his son Zach volunteer monthly at a local homeless shelter. They often recruit some of the Zach’s friends (sometimes with their parents) to help out. They have become regular favorite at the shelter and may start working their regularly.

Idea 3: Sylvia and her son and daughter don’t go out and volunteer but they do reserve $20/month to donate to a worthy cause. The three discuss which charities best deserve their funds and make a gift every month. One of their favorites is Heifer International www.heifer.com where a small donation can make a concrete difference in a third world country.

Idea 4: Richard lives across the country from his daughter Sarah, so he makes the most of his limited time with her. Every spring break, the two join Sarah’s church group and volunteer for Habitat for Humanity by building a home in Mexico. She prefers this to visiting him in a city where she knows no one.

Idea 5: Churches and temples have numerous opportunities for families to volunteer. You can ask your children to volunteer on their own or with a youth group, but it strengthens the entire family if you join them.

Please click on “Comments” below to add your ideas.

Solution: Enlist friends and family to provide a greater sense of community in your home.

1. Consider inviting your children’s grandparents, uncles or aunts over for a regular ‘family night’. After her divorce, Tracy started a new family night: every other Sunday, her sisters’ family came over. Her children, Jason, Ryan and Annie, enjoyed telling their aunt and uncle about their week. After dinner, everyone played a game of cards. It reminded Jason, Ryan and Annie that they were part of a larger, caring family.

2. Sarah’s parents lived far away but they started emailing Sarah’s two sons regularly. They’d forward funny videos, ask how school was going, and stay in touch with the boys’ lives. Grandparents and grandchildren became much closer as a result.

3. Dan started a once a month game night with two other families. Everyone would get together at his house for pizza and then play darts or a card game or watch sports together. Dan’s two sons traded off which picking the activity for game night. One of Dan’s sons commented, “Our family is so much bigger now.”

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Solution 1. One of the first things that teenage Ellie noticed when she visited her dad’s new apartment was that it contained no pictures of her.  “It’s like I don’t exist when I’m not there,”  she told her mother.  Before your children visit, make sure to put pictures of them up–in your living space as well as the place they will sleep.  Even better–display pictures of the two of you together.  It helps your children feel included in your life.

Solution 2: Give your child(ren) a space at your new place that they can make theirs. 

If they have their own room, let them decorate as they please.   David’s daughters picked out several of their stuffed animals to leave in their room “and watch over things” while they were gone.  Connie’s son put up Harry Potter posters on his wall and got to select his own new beach towel since her apartment complex had a pool. 

If they are staying in the extra room or on a sofa, make sure they have a box or drawer that is theirs and theirs alone.  Jeff’s children each have a bin that they store their things in–toothbrush, pajamas, blankets and a small box of treasures– between visits.  The first thing they do when they arrive is run into his closet, drag out their bins, and put their items out in the extra room. 

Solution 3: Let the kids select a new activity that they do only at your house.  Mike’s son and daughter always play Risk with him the first night they arrive for a visit. 

It doesn’t have to cost much, but letting kids put their imprint on your place helps them feel they belong.

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Solution 1: Call your child just before bedtime.  Tell him or her a brief story, ask for a thought about the day, say a prayer together, or talk about what you’re going to do when next together.  Send your child off to bed with a loving exchange just before bedtime.  Note:  if you start a ritual like this, make sure you are constant about it.  Don’t set expectations that you aren’t able to follow through on.  If you can only do it once a week, set that expectation when you start.

Solution 2: Mark and his son Dirk exchanged journals every week.  When they were apart, Mark wrote a thought every night in his journal for his son.  Dirk wrote a short note to his father in his journal.  When they next saw each other, they switched books.  When apart, Dirk would read a thought from his father each night and then write something back.  Mark did the same in his son’s journal.  This kept father and son close to each other every day.

Solution 3:  Susan called her son every evening and would give him a hug over the phone.  She told him to imagine the hug “my arms are all around you and I’m holding so tight” and asked him if he could feel it. 

Solution 4:   Have a similar ritual that you and your children do each night.  When Cheryl was apart from her daughters during the summer, she would tell them to look at the North Star every night at 9:00 and say a wish.  Cheryl did the same.  The daughter were comforted that every night they were sharing wishes in the same way as their mother.  This started when the girls were six and eight but continued through high school. 

Solution 5: Consider skyping or texting each other just before bed.  You can write something as simple as “syla” (see you later alligator) and your child responding “awac” (after a while crocodile).  Better yet, let your child come up with his or her own secret code.

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Solution 1:  Make clear to children exactly what to expect.  “You are spending after school on Friday until Sunday night with me.  On Sunday night, we will travel back to Dad’s house.  He can’t wait to see you.”

Solution 2:  Let the child communication with his/her other parent while at your house.  “Would you like to give Mom a call to let her know how what we found on our walk?”

Solution 3: Consider having the transition happen after a natural break in the day.  Mom drops child off at school in the morning and Dad picks him/her up after school for the evening/weekend.

Solution 4:   Have a transition ritual. 

At Lisa’s* house, her daughter Chelsea says good bye to the stuffed animals on her bed and is reminded “they’ll be waiting for you on the way back.”  When Chelsea comes back on Sunday night, Lisa has re-arranged the stuffed animals.  Chelsea brings her father in to see what new order the animals are in and then says goodbye.  

At Mark’s house, his former wife Sarah and two sons come in for dessert on Sunday night when she drops them off. The parents and children talk about what happened over the weekend for an hour before Sarah leaves.

Solution 5: Jacob gives his eight year old daughter an envelope every time he drops her off with her mom.  At bedtime that night, his daughter opens the envelope and reads his note which mentions when they are going to see each other again.  This reminds her that she will see her dad again soon.

Solution 6: Often, it is best to have parent who has been with the children travel to the other parents’ house to can drop the children off.  When Art drops his children off on Sunday night, he goes inside with his daughters, makes sure they are starting a new activity and then leaves.  This is especially helpful for younger children.

Click “Comments” below to add your own transition suggestions.

When I originally searched the web for practical, tested ideas for how to handle birthdays, holidays, transitions from one house to another and all the things that are changing, I couldn’t find anything beyond the general “Don’ts”:

1) Don’t fight in front of your children.

2) Don’t make them take sides between you and your former spouse.

3) Don’t try to get information about the other parent from the children. Don’t use them as go-betweens for information or decisions.

4) Don’t bad-mouth their other parent to them.

But what do you DO to minimize the negative effects of divorce and get them back to thriving again?

I started interviewing parents with kids who were thriving despite their parents’ divorce. And I gathered tips and tricks on how to make the new family structure work for the kids (and thus, work better for the parents.)

This blog is a place to share these tips and tricks and solicit your comments and ideas on how you’ve helped your children thrive after a divorce. Please post your ideas, questions and suggestions. Note: I will delete hostile or negative comments. This purpose of this blog is to provide ideas and hope for parents going through this difficult time.