Helping Children Deal with Feelings of Grief

Problem: A divorce is one of the most devastating thing to happen in your children’s lives. They need to grieve over the loss but often need encouragement for how to express their sadness.

Soution:

1. Give each child a journal. They can write good news, sad thoughts, lists of accomplishments or anything they like. Reassure them that the journal is for their eyes only.

2. Mark regularly got his boys together and gave them paper and pencil. Each would write down his angry feelings, sad reflections, and any other unhappy emotions. Once the slips of paper were filled, the children threw them into a pyrex dish, lit a match, and burned the bad feelings away.

3. Consider letting your child see a therapist. You can suggest he/she visit the therapist at least 2-3 times to get a sense for how therapy might be able to help. After that, they can choose whether to continue. Reassure them that many people (perhaps even yourself) find it helpful to have a trusted person to talk to at times like these. If money is an issue, many communities have clinics or therapists who offer counseling on a sliding scale based on need.

4. Let your children talk to a trusted religious advisor.

5. Ask a friend or relative to set up a regular confidential chat with your child. Cathy asked her sister Lisa to act as a confidente to her daughter Casey. Lisa would take Casey out for ice cream and go on walks with her. And everything they discussed was confidential. Cathy trusted her sister to have Casey’s best interests at heart, and it was easier for Casey to confiding in someone who was not her mother.

Please add your suggestions by clicking the “Comments” link below.

Five Easy Ways to “Be There” at Bedtime

Problem: You can’t be there every night to tug your child in.

Solution 1: Call your child just before bedtime.  Tell him or her a brief story, ask for a thought about the day, say a prayer together, or talk about what you’re going to do when next together.  Send your child off to bed with a loving exchange just before bedtime.  Note:  if you start a ritual like this, make sure you are constant about it.  Don’t set expectations that you aren’t able to follow through on.  If you can only do it once a week, set that expectation when you start.

Solution 2: Mark and his son Dirk exchanged journals every week.  When they were apart, Mark wrote a thought every night in his journal for his son.  Dirk wrote a short note to his father in his journal.  When they next saw each other, they switched books.  When apart, Dirk would read a thought from his father each night and then write something back.  Mark did the same in his son’s journal.  This kept father and son close to each other every day.

Solution 3:  Susan called her son every evening and would give him a hug over the phone.  She told him to imagine the hug “my arms are all around you and I’m holding so tight” and asked him if he could feel it. 

Solution 4:   Have a similar ritual that you and your children do each night.  When Cheryl was apart from her daughters during the summer, she would tell them to look at the North Star every night at 9:00 and say a wish.  Cheryl did the same.  The daughter were comforted that every night they were sharing wishes in the same way as their mother.  This started when the girls were six and eight but continued through high school. 

Solution 5: Consider skyping or texting each other just before bed.  You can write something as simple as “syla” (see you later alligator) and your child responding “awac” (after a while crocodile).  Better yet, let your child come up with his or her own secret code.

Click “Comments” below to add your own solution.

Six Simple Transitions from Mom’s house to Dad’s house

Problem: Children are often upset when they move from one house to another. 

Solution 1:  Make clear to children exactly what to expect.  “You are spending after school on Friday until Sunday night with me.  On Sunday night, we will travel back to Dad’s house.  He can’t wait to see you.”

Solution 2:  Let the child communication with his/her other parent while at your house.  “Would you like to give Mom a call to let her know how what we found on our walk?”

Solution 3: Consider having the transition happen after a natural break in the day.  Mom drops child off at school in the morning and Dad picks him/her up after school for the evening/weekend.

Solution 4:   Have a transition ritual. 

At Lisa’s* house, her daughter Chelsea says good bye to the stuffed animals on her bed and is reminded “they’ll be waiting for you on the way back.”  When Chelsea comes back on Sunday night, Lisa has re-arranged the stuffed animals.  Chelsea brings her father in to see what new order the animals are in and then says goodbye.  

At Mark’s house, his former wife Sarah and two sons come in for dessert on Sunday night when she drops them off. The parents and children talk about what happened over the weekend for an hour before Sarah leaves.

Solution 5: Jacob gives his eight year old daughter an envelope every time he drops her off with her mom.  At bedtime that night, his daughter opens the envelope and reads his note which mentions when they are going to see each other again.  This reminds her that she will see her dad again soon.

Solution 6: Often, it is best to have parent who has been with the children travel to the other parents’ house to can drop the children off.  When Art drops his children off on Sunday night, he goes inside with his daughters, makes sure they are starting a new activity and then leaves.  This is especially helpful for younger children.

Click “Comments” below to add your own transition suggestions.