Quick Ways to Make Your Home Complete

After you and your former spouse separate, your living place can feel like it is missing something or is less of a home. Here are three ways you can build a strong sense of home, even if the place itself is different than before.

1. Consult with your children. What have they always wanted to have in the house? How would they like to change things? Brainstorm things that you can work together to change or create.

Six months after their mother moved out, Sam felt he and his kids were still living with a ghost in the house. To help restore a feeling of completeness, he sat down with his son and daughter and made a list of what made a house a home for them. The two children had always wanted a sand box in the back yard. Sam took them to the hardware store to get wood, nails, a plastic tarp and sand. Together they put together a new play area right outside the backdoor.

2. Set up family time to take care of the house together.
a. Tess’ husband used to take care of all the yard work. When he moved out, she instituted a weekly yard clean up with her children. Tess made cookies or baked banana bread to be eaten after the work was done, and then everyone worked together to clean the yard. Although the kids initially baulked at the new work, soon it became a family time. The kids learned to trade off jobs, work together and some of the events of the week became fodder for family jokes.

b. Whenever the kids visited, David’s place became a mess with kids toys, backpacks, and clothes strewn about. He started a clean-up time every evening for 10 minutes. His sons would pick out 3 favorite songs which David put on the stereo. While the songs played, the boys raced around the living room cleaning up as much as they could until the songs were over. It taught them that many hands make light work.

3. Redecorate or add something new to the house.
a. After her husband moved out, Janice took her daughters to the local nursery. Each picked out three plants—one for her own room, one for common areas of the house and one to plant outside. Having something to nurture helped the girls feel less of a loss in their house.

b. Dan’s new apartment had a swimming pool—something his son had not had regular access to before. He set up a special ‘swim closet’ in new place and let his son Eric decorate the walls with stickers, pictures of fish, and hooks in the shape of fish. Eric picked out a beach towel and several pool toys and stored it in the ‘swim closet’. Later the Eric told him this was the one place in Dan’s apartment that felt truly ‘his’.

How Dinnertime Can Bring Your Family Closer

Problem: Dinner time just doesn’t feel the same without both parents present. Somehow you feel ‘less of a family’.

Solution: Start new traditions that help you reconnect and enjoy one another.

* Erica changed the seating arrangements around her table so it didn’t feel like there was void where her former husband used to sit. Her 6 and 8 year old children each got a candle to light at the beginning of dinner and blow out at the end.

* Mark’s former wife used to be the one to lead dinnertime conversations. He started asking each child to choose a topic of discussion for the dinner table. If your children have trouble thinking of topics, consider making up a set of cards with conversational prompts “What is your favorite pet?” “Should children have to go to school?” that your children can choose from. You can also purchase a set of conversation starters at a game store: “Table Topics” and “Tabletalk Conversation Starters” are two examples.

* You can make meal time special by asking every child to ‘give a toast’ to a family member who did something nice that day. Or each family member can say one thing that was good about the day. Encouraging family members to remember their blessings and appreciate one another helps remind everyone of the value of family.

* Consider starting or adding to a tradition of saying ‘grace’. You can start with a moment of quiet as everyone clears his or her mind of the clutter of the day and focuses on time together. Then say ‘grace’ or something as simple as “We are grateful to have this time together.”

Five Ideas for Keeping Children Grounded

Problem: Children may feel uprooted physically or emotionally during and after a divorce or separation.

Solution: Help your children feel grounded by volunteering with them to give something back to your community. If you work together as family, these activities bring satisfaction, pride of accomplishment and build family connection. Some examples:

Idea 1: For Rita and her two daughters, the first Sunday of every month is Family Volunteer Day. The family spends two hours helping their community: raking leaves for a neighbor, picking up trash at their school, collecting things for the local food drive, etc. The girls alternate choosing how they are going to volunteer each time. They eagerly anticipate each activity and almost always get a thank you from a grateful recipient of their generoity.

Idea 2: Eric and his son Zach volunteer monthly at a local homeless shelter. They often recruit some of the Zach’s friends (sometimes with their parents) to help out. They have become regular favorite at the shelter and may start working their regularly.

Idea 3: Sylvia and her son and daughter don’t go out and volunteer but they do reserve $20/month to donate to a worthy cause. The three discuss which charities best deserve their funds and make a gift every month. One of their favorites is Heifer International http://www.heifer.com where a small donation can make a concrete difference in a third world country.

Idea 4: Richard lives across the country from his daughter Sarah, so he makes the most of his limited time with her. Every spring break, the two join Sarah’s church group and volunteer for Habitat for Humanity by building a home in Mexico. She prefers this to visiting him in a city where she knows no one.

Idea 5: Churches and temples have numerous opportunities for families to volunteer. You can ask your children to volunteer on their own or with a youth group, but it strengthens the entire family if you join them.

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Three Easy Ways to Cultivate a Sense of Family

Problem: Your children were used to having a home with two parents present. Now they have one parent at a time. Children often miss being around multiple adults who care about them.

Solution: Enlist friends and family to provide a greater sense of community in your home.

1. Consider inviting your children’s grandparents, uncles or aunts over for a regular ‘family night’. After her divorce, Tracy started a new family night: every other Sunday, her sisters’ family came over. Her children, Jason, Ryan and Annie, enjoyed telling their aunt and uncle about their week. After dinner, everyone played a game of cards. It reminded Jason, Ryan and Annie that they were part of a larger, caring family.

2. Sarah’s parents lived far away but they started emailing Sarah’s two sons regularly. They’d forward funny videos, ask how school was going, and stay in touch with the boys’ lives. Grandparents and grandchildren became much closer as a result.

3. Dan started a once a month game night with two other families. Everyone would get together at his house for pizza and then play darts or a card game or watch sports together. Dan’s two sons traded off which picking the activity for game night. One of Dan’s sons commented, “Our family is so much bigger now.”

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